Featured SEXpert: Dr. Patti Britton Dr. Patti Britton, world class sexologist, empowers people with sex-positive guidance and on-the-spot wisdom, packaged with pizzazz, style, a dash of humor, and sizzling Q factor, all built on a solid foundation of qualified expertise with over 25 years' experience. With a Ph.D. in human sexuality, Dr. Patti is a clinical fellow of the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists. She is also an active member of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality. Dr. Britton has authored several major publications on sexual health and appears regularly on television, radio and in the press. She has been seen on "The Other Half", "Good Day New York", CBS news, CNBC TV, along with international news features; magazines include Men's Health, Shape, Redbook, Cosmopolitan, Men's Fitness, Maxim and more. Dr. Britton’s advice is featured regularly in the relationship and sex area of ivillage.com. To learn more about Dr. Patti, visit her website at www.yoursexcoach.com.

The Touch Continuum (5 levels of touch)
I often find that couples get in trouble and conflict with touch when they are not clear on the TYPE of touch that they want to give or receive.

Here is one way to view the 5 levels of touch, using the Touch Continuum, excerpted from my book, available at amazon.com or in local bookstores: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Sensual Massage...

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Ask the SEXperts

What do people in relationships do when you each have different rhythms? My steady male lover likes to have relatively quick sessions of lovemaking and I like to take a long slow build up.
— Uneven

Each person has a unique sexual biorhythm. Some patterns of arousal are on slow and others are on fast speed. Women tend to take longer than men to achieve orgasm, as studies have shown. The truth is that what works for you is just that: your unique need, not a matter of preference or taste, like choosing between dark chocolate or almond maple ice cream. Being in a sexual relationship, as with all other aspects of intimate relating, requires honesty, open communication, a lot of negotiation and — usually — compromises. One solution is to take turns pleasuring each other, following each of your natural patterns or rhythms for getting turned on. Try having your boyfriend start to pleasure you first--with gentle tongue kisses, sensual caresses on your back, thighs or breasts, passionate kissing all over, and whatever else gets your pot boiling. Allow time for your arousal to build and then incorporate his body into the process, until you both are ready to achieve a high state of arousal. What your lover must understand is that this is not some game or power struggle that you are acting out. Rather, this is what you need for sexual stimulation to work for you. Another way to enhance your sexual experience is to take time to focus on feelings, sensations and the process of sharing pleasure. For information about pleasuring women (and men), read Lou Paget's books.

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For the last three months or so, I have had no sex drive. I have never really had a high sex drive, but I did have one of some sort or the other. However, lately I just have not felt any desire for sex. This wouldn't be a problem except that I am afraid my girlfriend will get frustrated soon. She says she doesn't mind now - but since I don't know what my problem is, I don't know when I will feel in the mood again. So problem one: where the heck did I put my sex drive? Problem two: How can I create a brand new sex drive?

Sigh ... it really is bugging me that I have no desire whatsoever. Tough one, I know, but if you could at least give me a place to start?
— Lacking

Sorry to hear about your being lost, in the sex drive department, anyway. Lost libido can signal a relationship issue or a hormonal one. Or great fatigue, stress, exhaustion or anxiety. Any of those by chance going on for you? If you are in your late 40s, you may be going through the menopausal shift, which creates hormonal havoc. If you and your honey have some unresolved angers, resentments or unfinished business between you, that can also put a damper if not wedge on desire. Check out those possibilities first; you may want to read John Gray's books on Mars/Venus, which have some good exercises on how to resolve emotional blocks, as do the books by Harville Hendricks. And, if this stuff is NOT emotional, which means a hefty and honest conversation to clear the air, then you may want to look into altering your lifestyle (medications, drinking, smoking, lack of adequate exercise) or taking supplements. Check out search engines under aphrodisiacs or sex drive for information on natural, herbal products for increased desire and energy. Or, believe it or not, you may have depleted testosterone production (both men and women make it, by the way), and need some medical input. Last, be sure that you are not harboring some internal struggle about your sexuality that's shutting down your ability to act on the desire. And, why not design a nice, little, romantic getaway weekend for just you two over the next big holiday to indulge in pleasures to your and her heart & mind's content. That may send firecrackers popping inside again!

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I have been noticing lots of good-looking guys on the street lately. Some of them look pretty sexy to me. I feel badly because my boyfriend would kill me if he knew I had those feelings. Am I awful to have these thoughts?
— Prancer

What we feel is what we feel, not necessarily what we do. Many people get confused about having fantasies and acting on them.

What is important to know is that it is normal and healthy to find other people attractive, especially at times of seasonal change — such as the Valentines Day, Xmas or Hanukkah, etc. holidays — when people are feeling warm and mushy, opening up to giving to others, and shedding their heavy attitudes if not cavorting to the tune of romantic vibes they may notice all around them in their climactic playgrounds. Let yourself enjoy the peering and sensations from seeing guys whom you like to observe. Take that erotic energy back into your relationship with your boyfriend and use it to enhance what you already have together. Realize that what you fancy in your mind can stay right there, unless you choose to do something else with that energy. I always coach my clients, if you feel erotic energy for someone outside of your primary relationship, use it! Take it home and lather up the one you love. Get it?

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